Depression In Session

Ok so I have to give the credit for the title to my brother-in-law Cooley Cooley ^_^

In February of 2006 I was diagnosed as suffering form severe, chronic depression. Although the diagnosis occurred in ’06 I think that I actually started feeling depressed back around 1999 or the year 2000. During those years we attributed the depression to other, spiritual struggles I was facing. At the time of my diagnosis I did not understand how dramatically the path I would take in life had been changed. I don’t mean a small change either. I am talking about a course correction of ninety degrees.

The first challenge, other than the day-to-day ones, that I faced was that I was sent home early from my religious mission in Brazil. On one of these missions a young man is normally “on” the mission for two years. I was out for only 14 months before being sent home because of the depression. Unfortunately there is a stigma among members of my faith about these young men who return early. Because of this I caught numerous disparaging looks from people at my local and other congregations. Though not particularly emotionally damaging, these glances did frustrate me. Not a crippling experience, but a struggle nonetheless.

I feel that the second challenge I faced was the most life-changing. For years the dream of the future that I held showed me as a commissioned officer in the United States Air Force and retiring after twenty or more years of service. This being my goal I decided that a Reserve Officer Training Corps (ROTC) program at college was the best way of starting my Air Force career. When I returned from my mission in Brazil I began working on a ROTC scholarship and had my academic crosshairs centered on the University of Virginia or the University of Utah. Thinking that the scholarship might fall through I decided to talk to a recruiter about other possible types of financial aid the military offered. As we were talking the recruiter asked if I had ever taken the military’s aptitude test. I replied in the negative and the recruiter asked if I would like to. I was excited and readily agreed to fill out some paperwork allowing me to take the test. We went through a number of questions dealing with things like schooling and physical health. The recruiter then asked if I had ever been diagnosed with depression, bi-polar disorder, ADD or ADHD and some other mental illnesses. I of course said that yes, I had been diagnosed with depression. He then asked if I was taking any medication for the depression. At my affirmative answer the recruiter put down his pen and in that split second the view of my entire future crumbled before my mind’s eye. The recruiter said that neither the Air Force nor any of the other military branches would accept me until a psychiatrist wrote that I no longer needed the medication and I had been off of it for a year. I was devastated. I knew that the depression and medication were things that would be a part of my life until the grave wrapped me in her liberating embrace. When I finally recovered enough to start thinking again I was faced with the continued need to attend college, but without the financial resources to go where I wanted to. My parents were not in a position to help financially so I had to find a school that I could pay for independently. This only left me with one option. Brigham Young University in Rexburg, Idaho: One of the last places I wanted to go. I went anyway.

Another challenge presented itself my second semester at BYU-I. For reasons I am not aware of my depression worsened severely. I reached the point where I was suicidal. Fortunately I did not kill myself at that time. At the same time I realized that in my current mental state I could not continue under the strain of college life. I had to do something else. I did not want to return to Pennsylvania to live with my parents and I did not have anywhere else to go so I decided to stay in Rexburg. In order to stay in my student apartment I had to still be a student at the school. What I ended up doing was dropping all but two of my classes. Unfortunately it was already past the date to drop classes without taking a penalty. So now I had only two classes and a part-time job working at a restaurant owned by a friend of mine. A couple weeks later I stopped going to my two remaining classes, and therefore failed them. The end of the semester arrived and the school put me on academic probation. I was not bothered by this as I had been planning to completely withdraw from the school once the semester ended.

The last big challenge I’ll mention here started just two and a half weeks ago on the sixth of January. I had been pretty depressed for a couple months, but never too seriously. At around 1:00 pm on the sixth I was struck by an overwhelming feeling of despair and hopelessness and a desire to end my life. At that moment I began formulating a plan to do so. Two days later I was sitting in a mental hospital in Idaho Falls, Idaho. Twelve days later I was finally permitted to leave. I am not going to go into any detail about my stay there at this time. It is possible and even probable that I will do so at a later time.

Now we come to the real meat of this entry. The previous paragraphs showed major consequences of my depression and my reactions to it. They did not describe, however, the real challenges of dealing with depression. If you have not experienced severe depression, bi-polar disorder or a similar illness I do not think that you can understand the severity of the despair, helplessness, hopelessness, frustration, anxiety, sorrow, fear and self-loathing that we who carry these ailments feel. I believe that in spite of the hell we wade through on a daily basis we, the depressed, have a gift or two given to us that others are denied of. As I continue to use the words “we” or “us” I mean those with depression, etc.

I believe that we are able to feel more than others do because of the sheer intensity of the emotions that we are plagued by. I believe that we feel each emotion with a greater intensity. I think that this is a result of the fact that our minds or hearts have to compensate in a sense for the sorrow, fear or other negative emotions we are weighed under. In writing this I thought of an interesting emotional paradox. As I said, we are weighed down by more intense negative emotions, resulting in an intensifying of our positive ones, just as a person carrying a large stone everywhere will become stronger than one who is not. The paradox comes into play in that although we feel the positive emotions more strongly than others; the underlying depression counteracts that strength because of our increased susceptibility to the negative emotions.

Another “gift” that we, the depressed, have is an increased potential for compassion or empathy. Not all of those suffering from depression are able to use this gift because the original sense of empathy must already be in place. I say that we have a greater potential for empathy because when you have reached the emotional rock bottom and then been ground down ever further, you have felt it all. You are able to relate to others’ pain more easily than someone who has not felt as “down.” Now couple that ability to understand others’ pain and sorrow with the intensity of emotion I mentioned earlier. I think that two things can come from this blend. On one hand you can have a person able to understand and feel another’s pain and be able to share or help alleviate that burden, or at the very least be able to know how to comfort that person. The other result is a person who is unable to channel or separate the added emotions felt from others and is “brought down” into an even deeper state of personal depression.

The ability to create is another major “gift” that many of the depressed have. It is remarkable to note how many of the world’s greatest artists suffered from depression. In Susanna Kaysen’s book, Girl, Interrupted she tells of her stay in a mental hospital near Cambridge, Massachusetts. At one point in the book she says, “Our hospital was famous and had housed many great poets and singers. Did the hospital specialize in poets and singers or was it that poets and singers specialize in madness?” She also asks, “What is it about meter and cadence and rhythm that makes their makers mad?” I agree that these things can have an influence on one’s emotional and mental health, but I feel more strongly that the emotional/mental instability is what enabled the artist to create what they did. A close friend of mine said, “I’m not an artist I’m an artiste. I have the angst! I am Ernest Hemingway!” Angst to me is the magic word when it comes to artistic power. Angst has been defined on dictionary.com as “A feeling of anxiety or apprehension often accompanied by depression.” Or “An acute but unspecific feeling of anxiety; usually reserved for a philosophical anxiety about the world or about personal freedom.” It is my opinion that angst is one of the most powerful influences in great art. One of my favorite quotes comes from one of my favorite artists, Fred Gallagher, author and illustrator of the web comic Megatokyo. He said, “Without angst there is no art.”

These are only some of the “gifts” accompanying depression. I continue using quotation marks around the word “gift” because we can benefit from them, but oh the price we pay for them! I would not wish depression upon the worst of my enemies. The torment we feel can be and for some is unbearable. It amazes me what has been accomplished by some people while they bore this burden. Abraham Lincoln suffered from severe depression. Just look at what he did. Heber J. Grant was a giant in the religious world and suffered from depression. The list of artists, of course, is immense, but to name a few…Ray Charles, Michelangelo, Ernest Hemingway, Emily Dickenson and Vincent Van Gogh. Van Gogh did eventually succumb to the depression and took his own life, but look at what he created while alive.

The potential we depressed have in any aspect of life is great. Our struggle however, is one of survival - not only survival, but living as well. I can survive my depression by not completely giving in to the sorrow and hopelessness, but the real challenge is to accomplish great things in spite of and because of my depression. My struggle and that of so many others is to live. And we can!

Decisions, decisions

This is turning out to be a pretty enlightening time in my life. Yet again I’ve been presented with information that has had a significant impact on my life.

Every now and then at work we are shown videos about such things as new products, commercials for products, or just important things that are happening within the company. Today we were shown an hour long motivational speech by Glen Beck. What I gathered to be the main focus of the speech was success and what determines it. He also spoke a great deal on how finding “who we are” and what we want is one of the main steps toward becoming successful. Beck used an interesting example of how this works. He started talking about quantum physics and the power that is contained within a proton. He talked about how the orbit of an electron is necessary to contain the proton’s power so that it doesn’t just increase and dissipate. Beck was talking about the fact that an electron has a very consistent orbit around the proton. Here’s where it gets interesting. He said that scientists know that this orbit is constant, but when looked at it isn’t. When looked at, the electron seems to be in erratic positions or not even visible. He said he didn’t really know the details or understand them and neither do I. Beck then proceeded to tell what the current best explanation for this strange observance is. Apparently the best explanation is that there must be parallel universes and that sometimes the electron is in ours and at other times it’s in one of these alternate dimensions. Beck went back by saying, and I’m paraphrasing, that when we don’t look at the electron it’s just doing its random thing, but then we look and it stops. He said that the whole universe is like that and that we can control it because of that. He said that when we really see a situation or opportunity, it locks into place. He said that when we know who we are; when we really look at an opportunity for success, it locks into place and we can then control it. This might not make much sense in the way I’ve told it, but it was really good coming from Glen Beck ^_^ That must be why he’s in radio and I am not ^_^

Another thing Beck said that I thought was really enlightening was about how we see ourselves and the significance of that. Beck talked about Moses on the Mount Sinai and his encounter with the burning bush. He talked about how when Moses realized the extent of what he must do he asked, who am I that I should do this and who shall I say sent me. In reply the Lord said, “I AM THAT I AM” (Exodus 3:14). Glen then said that we have this problem of taking the Lords name in vain. He said that the Jews wouldn’t even write the name of God because they knew that the name itself had power in it. Beck said, “Don’t take the name of the Lord in vain. I am pathetic. I am useless. I am not successful.”

I found that this use of that title was very interesting. That whole idea had never occurred to me, but I agree with what Glen was saying. We all were created by God after his own image and we all have to potential to become like him. On top of that God’s own work is to help us achieve that potential. For us to degrade ourselves like that is in a way taking His name in vain.

Throughout these different topics Glen kept referring back to being successful. He mentioned many individuals who had tried and failed, but tried again and again until they were successful. He mentioned Thomas Edison as one. It is said that Edison tried over six thousand different carbonized plant fibers to use as light bulb filaments before he finally found something that worked. Beck also mentioned people who had been successful, but were shoved to their knees only to recover. Beck talked about how in order to be successful we have to find something that we want to do and do it. We have to take risks. If we fail, we must try again until we succeed.

The reactions that some of my fellow employees had to this video were interesting. One friend said, “Well there’s another hour of my life [our employer] has taken that I’ll never get back.” Others were just indifferent or just glad for an extra hour of “break time”. I really enjoyed the speech and was…well…motivated (interesting how motivational speakers can do that). At the same time however, I was also slightly discouraged. The speech got me thinking about what I want to do. I didn’t think of careers or anything, but other things I wanted to accomplish. One desire of mine really stood out, though. I want to buy a house. Not to live in myself, but to rent out. I’ve wanted to do this for about a year now. This desire is what came to mind when Beck was talking about taking risks to become “successful.” I’ve been pondering that all day today and it has been a little frustrating. It’s frustrating because I want to take the necessary risk, but am still afraid to. Isn’t that the exact idea that keeps most people from reaching their dreams? In order to buy the house I would of course need a loan…a large one. One that I’m afraid would cripple me if I were to fail. The frustration comes mostly from the fact that I know that the house would more than pay for itself, but I can’t afford to get to that point. If and that’s a big “if” I could get the property, get it ready, and get tenants in it within a month or two, I would definitely be fine with paying off the loan. If not, then it is very likely that I would be ruined financially. So…how/when will I be able to do take that risk? When will I be capable of surviving if the plan fails? It’s a little discouraging as I said.

With thinking about buying the house, I was thinking of alternate sources of income. I had a great idea for one yesterday that was shot down before it could get off the ground. That not being an option, I started thinking of other sources. What I’ve basically settled on at the moment is the idea of getting a second job - A part time job working Monday, Thursday, and Saturday evenings. As I sit financially I’m getting by, but that’s about it. I’ve really not been able to save anything. Each time I think that I will be able to put some money away; I am hit with another expense. So as I said, I can get by with the full-time job that I have. With the part time job I would be able to save all of the additional income. I really like that idea, but I am unsure of where to find work. This town is not really helpful as far as income goes. There are jobs out there, but most are terrible - that is unless you enjoy working fast food, telemarketing, or door-to-door type sales. It’s hard.

I’ve had these different ideas today and as I said, it’s been a motivation, yet slightly depressing day. The ideas are there, but at the moment I am unsure of how to carry them to fruition. I do not yet know “who I am” as Glen Beck was talking about and I do not really know what I want to do, but I’m thinking about it.

Introspection

I’ve had a very interesting past 7 days. Tuesday to Tuesday. I’ve probably done more thinking this past week, than I’ve done the rest of this month, or past few months for that matter. Though I said that these past seven days have been interesting, the fuel for most of my thoughts came from the previous weekend. I had a very good friend of mine visit me from Friday the 19th through Tuesday the 23rd and with all good friends we talked…a lot ^_^ I’d like to write about a few of those conversations and what I learned from them.

At one point we were talking about relationships or dating and I said that I didn’t think I made (in the past) a very good boyfriend. There were two main things I was thinking about as I said this. The first is a problem that I’ve had, or perhaps only though t I had, for years. That is that I don’t feel that I’m a very good conversationalist. I’m never sure of what to ask or say, and am not very good at keeping a conversation going. It was kind of interesting what my friend said. My friend didn’t really say that my perception of myself was incorrect, but said that I didn’t have to talk all the time. My friend said that there are times where the feelings and understanding that people have for each other create an atmosphere wherein talking isn’t always necessary. Sometimes just a person’s presence and knowing that the person is there for you is enough. I’d never thought about that really and it really stuck with me.

The other thing I was thinking about goes along with the first one and is that I’ve often thought of myself as a boring person. The average length of my relationships is only about 2-3 months. Two of those relationships I have actively terminated, but I feel that the majority of them ended with the girl just getting bored with/tired of me. This assumption has lead me to believe that when I’m dating someone I have to always have something interesting or active to do. As a result I tend to avoid dates because I can’t think of something to do (ignoring of course the fact that I don’t like relationships and dating anyway ^_^ ). It was crazy how my friend was able to so effectively put an end to those uncertainties(?) that I’ve had for years.

There are a couple other thoughts that I’ve had along those lines, but I haven’t discussed these with my friend. Part of the reason for this is that I had these thoughts this week as opposed to last weekend. Anyway, I got to thinking and I find that I get too serious when I’m in going out with someone. Not as in the relationship is too serious, but I myself and not as nonchalant. I don’t know it just seems that as far as my personality goes I seem to shut down. At least I’m conscious of this and can therefore improve upon it, right?

The most important thing we talked about however was my religious inactivity. My friend knows the story probably better than anyone so I didn’t need to explain that and we were able to get right down to the issues and discuss those. We talked about how I haven’t had the strength to work stuff out in the past and how I’m afraid of trying for fear of failing. Something we talked about that I didn’t mention on my blog was that I’m not really looking forward to eternity. For one I just can’t grasp the idea of it. Everything here on earth has an amount of time allotted to it. Years, months, weeks, days, hours, minutes, seconds. 8 hour work days. 7 hours of sleep that we’re supposed to get. Even the things we really enjoy doing we eventually stop for a time and move onto something else. Everything has an end. With eternity there is no end. I don’t know why, but that makes me anxious and uneasy. As I said I’m not too keen on the idea. This being the case, sometimes the goal of returning to live with God doesn’t work as motivation ‘cuz I’m not looking forward for that time anyway. I mean better with Him than not, but…I find it hard at times to work toward something I’m not looking forward to. The real meat of the conversation was when I asked what the point in trying was if I was just going to fail again. It may not sound like much to you, but what my friend said next really struck me. My friend said that trying was the point. At the very least I would be a step or two above where I was which would definitely count for something. Also there’s a definite difference in desire when you at least try to do something as opposed to doing nothing at all. In addition, there are some goals that we’ll never reach and there are some expectations that we will never meet. The point however is to make the effort. As I was writing that I was reminded of a story I heard while in the Missionary Training Center in Brazil.

The story goes that there was a man who was hired by another to do some yard work. The employee went about the various tasks that he’d been assigned and at the end of the day returned to the employer to receive his compensation for the work done. The employer congratulated the man on a job well done and told him to return the following day. As the sun rose the man returned to receive his new instructions. The man for whom he worked asked him if he could see a large boulder that was a little to one side of a garden. The worker replied that he could his employer told him that all that needed to be done that day was to push that stone. At the end of the day the first man returned exhausted and frustrated at his inability to move the stone even an inch. He apologized to his employer and said that it would probably be best to find someone else to finish the work. The employer asked why the man felt this way and he replied that he felt that he’d wasted his employer’s time. He told of how he pushed and pushed but was unable to move the rock at all. The employer smiled and said to the man, “I never said to move the stone, I merely told you to push it.”

As I said before, when my friend told me that trying was the point I was touched. Touched such that I decided to go back to church. With that I had some new (smaller) problems to deal with. Those being some “pet peeves’ about church. There’s no need to go into detail there, but again my friend knew just what to say. I was told to ignore the other people and just be there. Be there to learn and feel the Spirit. My friend said that all the other people didn’t matter that much, because my presence there was really between myself and the Lord.

So to wrap all that up, as of two days ago, I’m going back to church. I’m not going to my own ward yet because I need the support of people I know, so I’m going with the three wonderful young ladies that I mentioned in my first blog entry. I have my friend who stayed with me to thank for inspiring me to do what I should and for giving me back much of the hope in myself that I had lost. I also have my three friends to thank for inviting me to church three weeks ago and creating an atmosphere where I could feel comfortable going back to church. It’s kind of interesting to be posting this so soon after my entry on inactivity ^_^

That ends this entry really. I’m amazed at how much I’ve learned about myself since the 19th. I almost want to say that I’ve grown a little, but I don’t really know if I have. Is that something we can really judge about ourselves or does someone have to tell us that we have?

Inactivity

Alright, so I said in my previous entry that my story of inactivity was for another day. Well it’s another day ^_^ As I’m sitting here I am still trying to decide if I really want to write this or not. What’s most likely to happen is that I’ll type it all out then waffle between whether to post it or not ^_^ If you’re reading it then I stepped out of character for long enough to actually post it. Anyway.

I guess the story starts when I was about 12 or 13. At that time I began to have some spiritual struggles, which in turn started a very prolonged (talking years here) emotional, spiritual, and mental trial. For years I felt that I was not the person who people thought I was. At the same time I felt that I had to pretend to be that person. As the years past this thought took a strong hold in my mind and I began to feel that my whole life was just a front. I spent years trying to look happy, to pretend that everything was fine. The truth was that I was constantly plagued by a deep depression. I believe the strongest influence in this depression was knowing that I was not living my life as I should, but feeling unable to break free of the issues that I needed to resolve. During this time I adopted as my personal quote a line from the book Ender’s Game by Orson Scott Card. At one point the main character, Ender is in a time of despair in his life and tells his younger sister, “I’ve lived so long with pain; I don’t know who I am without it.” I actually still hold that as my personal quote.

The emotional strain increased as it became more difficult and costly to keep up the façade I felt almost obligated to maintain. I didn’t want to be seen by others as the “black sheep” of our family, and I didn’t want my family to have to deal with the embarrassment I was sure I would cause. So when I had interviews with my religious leaders I felt that I had to lie about my actions so that everyone else would think things were fine. In passing these interviews I was permitted access to the Temples – these holiest of places that in truth I was unworthy to enter. I never had one of those interviews in which I was honest in all of my answers. In my own defense I have to say that I was worthy when I was on my mission. I wasn’t worthy when I entered the Missionary Training Center, but by the time I hit the actual mission field I was good. This being the case I found out that my depression was not caused completely by my transgressions, but that a good part of it was from chemical imbalances in my brain.

During these years of struggle it was just that. I struggled with the issues I had and tried again and again to resolve them. Each time I was unsuccessful and I couldn’t figure out what I was doing wrong. I am still unsure of the main reason, but some of the smaller ones I have identified. I’ve always been much more inclined to do what I want of what I should. There were times were I tried to resolve my issues because I was “supposed to.” Other times it was in an attempt to get people “off my case” about it. Other times I really did want to improve my life, but lacked the strength necessary. Other times I felt I was doing it more for someone else that for myself. This actually happened recently, but as it wasn’t out of a desire for personal improvement it didn’t last more than a couple days.

So all that’s more my personal struggles than how I became inactive. When I came out to school I realized that the people out here didn’t know me. I didn’t have a front to maintain in front of them. I was still a Mormon at a Mormon school, so I was still expected to act like one, but I could finally drop my façade. As I mentioned in my other entry, church attendance was mandatory, so I went enough times that I wouldn’t get in trouble. Well with all the other emotional trials my Winter semester I had to get out of school. When I withdrew I was no longer ”required” to go to church, so I didn’t. At this time something happened that is quite contradictory to the thoughts of most religions. Sin brings pain and sorrow and going to church in an attempt to improve brings peace and happiness. Well, what happened to me was that for the first time since I was 12 or so I didn’t feel judged. I didn’t feel the anguish that I had before because of my unworthiness. I didn’t feel the guilt previously caused by my issues. I think part of the peace came because I was no longer struggling with the despair of not being able to do something you want to or think you should. It’s like if you’re trying to get or keep a scholarship and you’re stressing to the point that you can’t enjoy anything else because you’re so caught up in that one thing. Well if like me, you decide that the stress isn’t worth the scholarship (I decided my fall semester that trying to get a scholarship wasn’t worth the stress), then you’re able to enjoy the things happening around you. That’s probably a terrible example, but it’s all I’ve got at the moment ^_^

So now I’m inactive. Will I remain this way? I have no idea. Do I want to go back to church? Well no matter what I’m up to the Church is still true. It always has been and it always will be. Part of the problem I have is that I don’t do the little things that are necessary to overcome the big problems. Another problem is that I haven’t found something to give me strength I’m going to need to get back though. If/when I find or experience what I need, then things might change. Until then I’m the “odd man out” here in Rexburg, Idaho.

Correction

I have to make a correction to my last post. The most painful consequence of my religious inactivity was not being able to attend my little sister's wedding.

Dating and Not (Oh and Hi)

So yes, I have a blog. It's actually a new blog for those of you who knew about my other one. That group consists of what, 4 people? ^_^

I've actually been thinking of starting a new blog for a couple days now. I guess I've (only kind of) decided to rejoin society in a small way. Along with this I also logged on to Facebook yesterday. That being the first time since dropping out of school in the spring.

Anyway, I assume that many of you know where I am in my life...or at least think you do ^_^ Don't worry I'm getting to the topic - this actually ties in...eventually. So I'm in Rexburg, Idaho. I was at the college (BYU-I) from Sep. of last year to around Apr. of this one. During the Winter semester my depression got really bad and I was needing to get out of the whole student thing, but I didn't want to go home. As a result, I ended up dropping all but two of my classes and getting a part-time job working fast food (yuck). As time passed I ended up not going to the two classes I had and failed those. Consequently I was put on academic probation by the college. This didn't really bug me at the time as I was planning on withdrawing from school at the end of the semester anyway. Another reason for leaving was that I was going to get kicked out of school anyway for not going to church. BYU-I, like it's big sister BYU, is a predominantly Mormon school. As such, church attendance is mandatory. That is at least for the Mormons. I'm not sure what the policy is for those not of the same faith.

Thus begins a new stage in my life. Namely - life on my own. My own apartment, my own cell phone, my own bills. With these bills I needed a full time job and got one working in the local production center for Melaleuca.

Some of you may be saying, "Hey wait, what was that about not going to church?" My church attendance was enough to get by during the Fall semester, but became less and less frequent during the Winter. As I sit right now I would be considered by other Mormons (and consider myself) to be an "inactive" member. The history and the reasons for that are a story for a different day. For now that's all the background necessary for this entry. This is where I tie into the Dating and Not topic...eventually ^_^

A few of you know how I feel about relationships. For those of you who don't know - I'm not a big fan. I have a short little note on being "In Love" on my Facebook page hHYPERLINK "http://www.new.facebook.com/people/Neil_Hebbert/825873501" \l "/note.php?note_id=7104768390"ere. I was actually in a relationship not to long ago. It went well for about a week before I realized that I had no idea why I was even in it and was reminded of why I didn't like them. But I digress.

I started thinking about writing this entry when I was hanging out with some friends (3 young ladies) at their apartment Sunday night. For some reason we started watching some videos on Youtube that some students had put together; more specifically videos on dating and dating etiquette. There was one in particular that got me thinking. The video was meant to be an exaggeration of awkward dating situations, but what caught my attention were some of the things the girl in the clip said and did. (I promise I'm going somewhere with this ^_^ ) First off the girl said that it was totally a sympathy date and that she really didn't want to go. At that point I actually paused the video and told my friends that I had something I wanted to say when the clip was over. What I had to say was that you don't have to go on sympathy dates. Girls, if you don't want to go on a date with a guy TELL him so! I can't emphasize this enough. Sympathy dates are a waste of time and money, are too stressful, and just prolong and already awkward situation. Also, if you go on a sympathy date, the guy will (most likely) think it's ok to ask you out again. That's not what you wanted. You didn't even what to go on the first one!

As the video progressed the girl actually redeemed herself. At the movie theater the guy tried holding the girl’s hand, but she pulled it away. I was pleased with that. Again girls, if you don't want the guy holding your hand don't let him the first time. All it's going to do is make him think, again, that it's ok. If this happens and you do end up going out with him again for some reason, it's just going to be harder to not let him hold your hand this time around. You'll try to pull away or tell him you don't want to and he'll be thinking, "What's going on? Last time she let me." He might even ask and your answer will be...? "Um...I was just trying to be nice last time?" Come on ^_^ To me this is just common sense, but I spent most of my time the fall semester at a house of 16 girls and I was shocked at how many said that this advice of mine was just mean. Mean? Leading the guy on by going out with him and letting him hold your hand is somehow nicer than letting him know up front that you’re not interested? Doesn’t make sense to me. Trust me on this. I think I know a little more about how guys think than you do. So yeah, that's pretty much what I had on the "Dating" part. On to the "Not" part of the blog.

You were wondering when I'd finally tie that whole self-introduction stuff into the actual topic? Well here it is. So as I said earlier, I'm not all that into the whole relationship thing. Then out of nowhere I ‘ll meet someone, or multiple people, who present quite a temptation to actually try a relationship again. The demographics are against me though because the majority people, and all the young adults, I know here are Mormons. This being the case, once aware of the fact that I’m inactive, girls run screaming ^_^ Well, not really, but my dateableness (like that word?) drops through the floor. I can seem like a decent person and some will tell you that I am, but I’m not good enough. I’ll probably go to hell for saying this (meh, I’m probably going anyway), but this is the first consequence of my religious inactivity that has bothered me thus far.

This entry was supposed to be better. I guess I didn’t have my thoughts as organized as I thought I did. I actually haven’t been able to think that well since getting home from work. If I could’ve written this at work it might have been more in depth. I guess what I really wanted to do today was just rant really. Another time I’ll be more philosophical like I used to be ^_^ Another day.