Inactivity

Alright, so I said in my previous entry that my story of inactivity was for another day. Well it’s another day ^_^ As I’m sitting here I am still trying to decide if I really want to write this or not. What’s most likely to happen is that I’ll type it all out then waffle between whether to post it or not ^_^ If you’re reading it then I stepped out of character for long enough to actually post it. Anyway.

I guess the story starts when I was about 12 or 13. At that time I began to have some spiritual struggles, which in turn started a very prolonged (talking years here) emotional, spiritual, and mental trial. For years I felt that I was not the person who people thought I was. At the same time I felt that I had to pretend to be that person. As the years past this thought took a strong hold in my mind and I began to feel that my whole life was just a front. I spent years trying to look happy, to pretend that everything was fine. The truth was that I was constantly plagued by a deep depression. I believe the strongest influence in this depression was knowing that I was not living my life as I should, but feeling unable to break free of the issues that I needed to resolve. During this time I adopted as my personal quote a line from the book Ender’s Game by Orson Scott Card. At one point the main character, Ender is in a time of despair in his life and tells his younger sister, “I’ve lived so long with pain; I don’t know who I am without it.” I actually still hold that as my personal quote.

The emotional strain increased as it became more difficult and costly to keep up the façade I felt almost obligated to maintain. I didn’t want to be seen by others as the “black sheep” of our family, and I didn’t want my family to have to deal with the embarrassment I was sure I would cause. So when I had interviews with my religious leaders I felt that I had to lie about my actions so that everyone else would think things were fine. In passing these interviews I was permitted access to the Temples – these holiest of places that in truth I was unworthy to enter. I never had one of those interviews in which I was honest in all of my answers. In my own defense I have to say that I was worthy when I was on my mission. I wasn’t worthy when I entered the Missionary Training Center, but by the time I hit the actual mission field I was good. This being the case I found out that my depression was not caused completely by my transgressions, but that a good part of it was from chemical imbalances in my brain.

During these years of struggle it was just that. I struggled with the issues I had and tried again and again to resolve them. Each time I was unsuccessful and I couldn’t figure out what I was doing wrong. I am still unsure of the main reason, but some of the smaller ones I have identified. I’ve always been much more inclined to do what I want of what I should. There were times were I tried to resolve my issues because I was “supposed to.” Other times it was in an attempt to get people “off my case” about it. Other times I really did want to improve my life, but lacked the strength necessary. Other times I felt I was doing it more for someone else that for myself. This actually happened recently, but as it wasn’t out of a desire for personal improvement it didn’t last more than a couple days.

So all that’s more my personal struggles than how I became inactive. When I came out to school I realized that the people out here didn’t know me. I didn’t have a front to maintain in front of them. I was still a Mormon at a Mormon school, so I was still expected to act like one, but I could finally drop my façade. As I mentioned in my other entry, church attendance was mandatory, so I went enough times that I wouldn’t get in trouble. Well with all the other emotional trials my Winter semester I had to get out of school. When I withdrew I was no longer ”required” to go to church, so I didn’t. At this time something happened that is quite contradictory to the thoughts of most religions. Sin brings pain and sorrow and going to church in an attempt to improve brings peace and happiness. Well, what happened to me was that for the first time since I was 12 or so I didn’t feel judged. I didn’t feel the anguish that I had before because of my unworthiness. I didn’t feel the guilt previously caused by my issues. I think part of the peace came because I was no longer struggling with the despair of not being able to do something you want to or think you should. It’s like if you’re trying to get or keep a scholarship and you’re stressing to the point that you can’t enjoy anything else because you’re so caught up in that one thing. Well if like me, you decide that the stress isn’t worth the scholarship (I decided my fall semester that trying to get a scholarship wasn’t worth the stress), then you’re able to enjoy the things happening around you. That’s probably a terrible example, but it’s all I’ve got at the moment ^_^

So now I’m inactive. Will I remain this way? I have no idea. Do I want to go back to church? Well no matter what I’m up to the Church is still true. It always has been and it always will be. Part of the problem I have is that I don’t do the little things that are necessary to overcome the big problems. Another problem is that I haven’t found something to give me strength I’m going to need to get back though. If/when I find or experience what I need, then things might change. Until then I’m the “odd man out” here in Rexburg, Idaho.