Introspection

I’ve had a very interesting past 7 days. Tuesday to Tuesday. I’ve probably done more thinking this past week, than I’ve done the rest of this month, or past few months for that matter. Though I said that these past seven days have been interesting, the fuel for most of my thoughts came from the previous weekend. I had a very good friend of mine visit me from Friday the 19th through Tuesday the 23rd and with all good friends we talked…a lot ^_^ I’d like to write about a few of those conversations and what I learned from them.

At one point we were talking about relationships or dating and I said that I didn’t think I made (in the past) a very good boyfriend. There were two main things I was thinking about as I said this. The first is a problem that I’ve had, or perhaps only though t I had, for years. That is that I don’t feel that I’m a very good conversationalist. I’m never sure of what to ask or say, and am not very good at keeping a conversation going. It was kind of interesting what my friend said. My friend didn’t really say that my perception of myself was incorrect, but said that I didn’t have to talk all the time. My friend said that there are times where the feelings and understanding that people have for each other create an atmosphere wherein talking isn’t always necessary. Sometimes just a person’s presence and knowing that the person is there for you is enough. I’d never thought about that really and it really stuck with me.

The other thing I was thinking about goes along with the first one and is that I’ve often thought of myself as a boring person. The average length of my relationships is only about 2-3 months. Two of those relationships I have actively terminated, but I feel that the majority of them ended with the girl just getting bored with/tired of me. This assumption has lead me to believe that when I’m dating someone I have to always have something interesting or active to do. As a result I tend to avoid dates because I can’t think of something to do (ignoring of course the fact that I don’t like relationships and dating anyway ^_^ ). It was crazy how my friend was able to so effectively put an end to those uncertainties(?) that I’ve had for years.

There are a couple other thoughts that I’ve had along those lines, but I haven’t discussed these with my friend. Part of the reason for this is that I had these thoughts this week as opposed to last weekend. Anyway, I got to thinking and I find that I get too serious when I’m in going out with someone. Not as in the relationship is too serious, but I myself and not as nonchalant. I don’t know it just seems that as far as my personality goes I seem to shut down. At least I’m conscious of this and can therefore improve upon it, right?

The most important thing we talked about however was my religious inactivity. My friend knows the story probably better than anyone so I didn’t need to explain that and we were able to get right down to the issues and discuss those. We talked about how I haven’t had the strength to work stuff out in the past and how I’m afraid of trying for fear of failing. Something we talked about that I didn’t mention on my blog was that I’m not really looking forward to eternity. For one I just can’t grasp the idea of it. Everything here on earth has an amount of time allotted to it. Years, months, weeks, days, hours, minutes, seconds. 8 hour work days. 7 hours of sleep that we’re supposed to get. Even the things we really enjoy doing we eventually stop for a time and move onto something else. Everything has an end. With eternity there is no end. I don’t know why, but that makes me anxious and uneasy. As I said I’m not too keen on the idea. This being the case, sometimes the goal of returning to live with God doesn’t work as motivation ‘cuz I’m not looking forward for that time anyway. I mean better with Him than not, but…I find it hard at times to work toward something I’m not looking forward to. The real meat of the conversation was when I asked what the point in trying was if I was just going to fail again. It may not sound like much to you, but what my friend said next really struck me. My friend said that trying was the point. At the very least I would be a step or two above where I was which would definitely count for something. Also there’s a definite difference in desire when you at least try to do something as opposed to doing nothing at all. In addition, there are some goals that we’ll never reach and there are some expectations that we will never meet. The point however is to make the effort. As I was writing that I was reminded of a story I heard while in the Missionary Training Center in Brazil.

The story goes that there was a man who was hired by another to do some yard work. The employee went about the various tasks that he’d been assigned and at the end of the day returned to the employer to receive his compensation for the work done. The employer congratulated the man on a job well done and told him to return the following day. As the sun rose the man returned to receive his new instructions. The man for whom he worked asked him if he could see a large boulder that was a little to one side of a garden. The worker replied that he could his employer told him that all that needed to be done that day was to push that stone. At the end of the day the first man returned exhausted and frustrated at his inability to move the stone even an inch. He apologized to his employer and said that it would probably be best to find someone else to finish the work. The employer asked why the man felt this way and he replied that he felt that he’d wasted his employer’s time. He told of how he pushed and pushed but was unable to move the rock at all. The employer smiled and said to the man, “I never said to move the stone, I merely told you to push it.”

As I said before, when my friend told me that trying was the point I was touched. Touched such that I decided to go back to church. With that I had some new (smaller) problems to deal with. Those being some “pet peeves’ about church. There’s no need to go into detail there, but again my friend knew just what to say. I was told to ignore the other people and just be there. Be there to learn and feel the Spirit. My friend said that all the other people didn’t matter that much, because my presence there was really between myself and the Lord.

So to wrap all that up, as of two days ago, I’m going back to church. I’m not going to my own ward yet because I need the support of people I know, so I’m going with the three wonderful young ladies that I mentioned in my first blog entry. I have my friend who stayed with me to thank for inspiring me to do what I should and for giving me back much of the hope in myself that I had lost. I also have my three friends to thank for inviting me to church three weeks ago and creating an atmosphere where I could feel comfortable going back to church. It’s kind of interesting to be posting this so soon after my entry on inactivity ^_^

That ends this entry really. I’m amazed at how much I’ve learned about myself since the 19th. I almost want to say that I’ve grown a little, but I don’t really know if I have. Is that something we can really judge about ourselves or does someone have to tell us that we have?

Inactivity

Alright, so I said in my previous entry that my story of inactivity was for another day. Well it’s another day ^_^ As I’m sitting here I am still trying to decide if I really want to write this or not. What’s most likely to happen is that I’ll type it all out then waffle between whether to post it or not ^_^ If you’re reading it then I stepped out of character for long enough to actually post it. Anyway.

I guess the story starts when I was about 12 or 13. At that time I began to have some spiritual struggles, which in turn started a very prolonged (talking years here) emotional, spiritual, and mental trial. For years I felt that I was not the person who people thought I was. At the same time I felt that I had to pretend to be that person. As the years past this thought took a strong hold in my mind and I began to feel that my whole life was just a front. I spent years trying to look happy, to pretend that everything was fine. The truth was that I was constantly plagued by a deep depression. I believe the strongest influence in this depression was knowing that I was not living my life as I should, but feeling unable to break free of the issues that I needed to resolve. During this time I adopted as my personal quote a line from the book Ender’s Game by Orson Scott Card. At one point the main character, Ender is in a time of despair in his life and tells his younger sister, “I’ve lived so long with pain; I don’t know who I am without it.” I actually still hold that as my personal quote.

The emotional strain increased as it became more difficult and costly to keep up the façade I felt almost obligated to maintain. I didn’t want to be seen by others as the “black sheep” of our family, and I didn’t want my family to have to deal with the embarrassment I was sure I would cause. So when I had interviews with my religious leaders I felt that I had to lie about my actions so that everyone else would think things were fine. In passing these interviews I was permitted access to the Temples – these holiest of places that in truth I was unworthy to enter. I never had one of those interviews in which I was honest in all of my answers. In my own defense I have to say that I was worthy when I was on my mission. I wasn’t worthy when I entered the Missionary Training Center, but by the time I hit the actual mission field I was good. This being the case I found out that my depression was not caused completely by my transgressions, but that a good part of it was from chemical imbalances in my brain.

During these years of struggle it was just that. I struggled with the issues I had and tried again and again to resolve them. Each time I was unsuccessful and I couldn’t figure out what I was doing wrong. I am still unsure of the main reason, but some of the smaller ones I have identified. I’ve always been much more inclined to do what I want of what I should. There were times were I tried to resolve my issues because I was “supposed to.” Other times it was in an attempt to get people “off my case” about it. Other times I really did want to improve my life, but lacked the strength necessary. Other times I felt I was doing it more for someone else that for myself. This actually happened recently, but as it wasn’t out of a desire for personal improvement it didn’t last more than a couple days.

So all that’s more my personal struggles than how I became inactive. When I came out to school I realized that the people out here didn’t know me. I didn’t have a front to maintain in front of them. I was still a Mormon at a Mormon school, so I was still expected to act like one, but I could finally drop my façade. As I mentioned in my other entry, church attendance was mandatory, so I went enough times that I wouldn’t get in trouble. Well with all the other emotional trials my Winter semester I had to get out of school. When I withdrew I was no longer ”required” to go to church, so I didn’t. At this time something happened that is quite contradictory to the thoughts of most religions. Sin brings pain and sorrow and going to church in an attempt to improve brings peace and happiness. Well, what happened to me was that for the first time since I was 12 or so I didn’t feel judged. I didn’t feel the anguish that I had before because of my unworthiness. I didn’t feel the guilt previously caused by my issues. I think part of the peace came because I was no longer struggling with the despair of not being able to do something you want to or think you should. It’s like if you’re trying to get or keep a scholarship and you’re stressing to the point that you can’t enjoy anything else because you’re so caught up in that one thing. Well if like me, you decide that the stress isn’t worth the scholarship (I decided my fall semester that trying to get a scholarship wasn’t worth the stress), then you’re able to enjoy the things happening around you. That’s probably a terrible example, but it’s all I’ve got at the moment ^_^

So now I’m inactive. Will I remain this way? I have no idea. Do I want to go back to church? Well no matter what I’m up to the Church is still true. It always has been and it always will be. Part of the problem I have is that I don’t do the little things that are necessary to overcome the big problems. Another problem is that I haven’t found something to give me strength I’m going to need to get back though. If/when I find or experience what I need, then things might change. Until then I’m the “odd man out” here in Rexburg, Idaho.

Correction

I have to make a correction to my last post. The most painful consequence of my religious inactivity was not being able to attend my little sister's wedding.

Dating and Not (Oh and Hi)

So yes, I have a blog. It's actually a new blog for those of you who knew about my other one. That group consists of what, 4 people? ^_^

I've actually been thinking of starting a new blog for a couple days now. I guess I've (only kind of) decided to rejoin society in a small way. Along with this I also logged on to Facebook yesterday. That being the first time since dropping out of school in the spring.

Anyway, I assume that many of you know where I am in my life...or at least think you do ^_^ Don't worry I'm getting to the topic - this actually ties in...eventually. So I'm in Rexburg, Idaho. I was at the college (BYU-I) from Sep. of last year to around Apr. of this one. During the Winter semester my depression got really bad and I was needing to get out of the whole student thing, but I didn't want to go home. As a result, I ended up dropping all but two of my classes and getting a part-time job working fast food (yuck). As time passed I ended up not going to the two classes I had and failed those. Consequently I was put on academic probation by the college. This didn't really bug me at the time as I was planning on withdrawing from school at the end of the semester anyway. Another reason for leaving was that I was going to get kicked out of school anyway for not going to church. BYU-I, like it's big sister BYU, is a predominantly Mormon school. As such, church attendance is mandatory. That is at least for the Mormons. I'm not sure what the policy is for those not of the same faith.

Thus begins a new stage in my life. Namely - life on my own. My own apartment, my own cell phone, my own bills. With these bills I needed a full time job and got one working in the local production center for Melaleuca.

Some of you may be saying, "Hey wait, what was that about not going to church?" My church attendance was enough to get by during the Fall semester, but became less and less frequent during the Winter. As I sit right now I would be considered by other Mormons (and consider myself) to be an "inactive" member. The history and the reasons for that are a story for a different day. For now that's all the background necessary for this entry. This is where I tie into the Dating and Not topic...eventually ^_^

A few of you know how I feel about relationships. For those of you who don't know - I'm not a big fan. I have a short little note on being "In Love" on my Facebook page hHYPERLINK "http://www.new.facebook.com/people/Neil_Hebbert/825873501" \l "/note.php?note_id=7104768390"ere. I was actually in a relationship not to long ago. It went well for about a week before I realized that I had no idea why I was even in it and was reminded of why I didn't like them. But I digress.

I started thinking about writing this entry when I was hanging out with some friends (3 young ladies) at their apartment Sunday night. For some reason we started watching some videos on Youtube that some students had put together; more specifically videos on dating and dating etiquette. There was one in particular that got me thinking. The video was meant to be an exaggeration of awkward dating situations, but what caught my attention were some of the things the girl in the clip said and did. (I promise I'm going somewhere with this ^_^ ) First off the girl said that it was totally a sympathy date and that she really didn't want to go. At that point I actually paused the video and told my friends that I had something I wanted to say when the clip was over. What I had to say was that you don't have to go on sympathy dates. Girls, if you don't want to go on a date with a guy TELL him so! I can't emphasize this enough. Sympathy dates are a waste of time and money, are too stressful, and just prolong and already awkward situation. Also, if you go on a sympathy date, the guy will (most likely) think it's ok to ask you out again. That's not what you wanted. You didn't even what to go on the first one!

As the video progressed the girl actually redeemed herself. At the movie theater the guy tried holding the girl’s hand, but she pulled it away. I was pleased with that. Again girls, if you don't want the guy holding your hand don't let him the first time. All it's going to do is make him think, again, that it's ok. If this happens and you do end up going out with him again for some reason, it's just going to be harder to not let him hold your hand this time around. You'll try to pull away or tell him you don't want to and he'll be thinking, "What's going on? Last time she let me." He might even ask and your answer will be...? "Um...I was just trying to be nice last time?" Come on ^_^ To me this is just common sense, but I spent most of my time the fall semester at a house of 16 girls and I was shocked at how many said that this advice of mine was just mean. Mean? Leading the guy on by going out with him and letting him hold your hand is somehow nicer than letting him know up front that you’re not interested? Doesn’t make sense to me. Trust me on this. I think I know a little more about how guys think than you do. So yeah, that's pretty much what I had on the "Dating" part. On to the "Not" part of the blog.

You were wondering when I'd finally tie that whole self-introduction stuff into the actual topic? Well here it is. So as I said earlier, I'm not all that into the whole relationship thing. Then out of nowhere I ‘ll meet someone, or multiple people, who present quite a temptation to actually try a relationship again. The demographics are against me though because the majority people, and all the young adults, I know here are Mormons. This being the case, once aware of the fact that I’m inactive, girls run screaming ^_^ Well, not really, but my dateableness (like that word?) drops through the floor. I can seem like a decent person and some will tell you that I am, but I’m not good enough. I’ll probably go to hell for saying this (meh, I’m probably going anyway), but this is the first consequence of my religious inactivity that has bothered me thus far.

This entry was supposed to be better. I guess I didn’t have my thoughts as organized as I thought I did. I actually haven’t been able to think that well since getting home from work. If I could’ve written this at work it might have been more in depth. I guess what I really wanted to do today was just rant really. Another time I’ll be more philosophical like I used to be ^_^ Another day.