Introspection

I’ve had a very interesting past 7 days. Tuesday to Tuesday. I’ve probably done more thinking this past week, than I’ve done the rest of this month, or past few months for that matter. Though I said that these past seven days have been interesting, the fuel for most of my thoughts came from the previous weekend. I had a very good friend of mine visit me from Friday the 19th through Tuesday the 23rd and with all good friends we talked…a lot ^_^ I’d like to write about a few of those conversations and what I learned from them.

At one point we were talking about relationships or dating and I said that I didn’t think I made (in the past) a very good boyfriend. There were two main things I was thinking about as I said this. The first is a problem that I’ve had, or perhaps only though t I had, for years. That is that I don’t feel that I’m a very good conversationalist. I’m never sure of what to ask or say, and am not very good at keeping a conversation going. It was kind of interesting what my friend said. My friend didn’t really say that my perception of myself was incorrect, but said that I didn’t have to talk all the time. My friend said that there are times where the feelings and understanding that people have for each other create an atmosphere wherein talking isn’t always necessary. Sometimes just a person’s presence and knowing that the person is there for you is enough. I’d never thought about that really and it really stuck with me.

The other thing I was thinking about goes along with the first one and is that I’ve often thought of myself as a boring person. The average length of my relationships is only about 2-3 months. Two of those relationships I have actively terminated, but I feel that the majority of them ended with the girl just getting bored with/tired of me. This assumption has lead me to believe that when I’m dating someone I have to always have something interesting or active to do. As a result I tend to avoid dates because I can’t think of something to do (ignoring of course the fact that I don’t like relationships and dating anyway ^_^ ). It was crazy how my friend was able to so effectively put an end to those uncertainties(?) that I’ve had for years.

There are a couple other thoughts that I’ve had along those lines, but I haven’t discussed these with my friend. Part of the reason for this is that I had these thoughts this week as opposed to last weekend. Anyway, I got to thinking and I find that I get too serious when I’m in going out with someone. Not as in the relationship is too serious, but I myself and not as nonchalant. I don’t know it just seems that as far as my personality goes I seem to shut down. At least I’m conscious of this and can therefore improve upon it, right?

The most important thing we talked about however was my religious inactivity. My friend knows the story probably better than anyone so I didn’t need to explain that and we were able to get right down to the issues and discuss those. We talked about how I haven’t had the strength to work stuff out in the past and how I’m afraid of trying for fear of failing. Something we talked about that I didn’t mention on my blog was that I’m not really looking forward to eternity. For one I just can’t grasp the idea of it. Everything here on earth has an amount of time allotted to it. Years, months, weeks, days, hours, minutes, seconds. 8 hour work days. 7 hours of sleep that we’re supposed to get. Even the things we really enjoy doing we eventually stop for a time and move onto something else. Everything has an end. With eternity there is no end. I don’t know why, but that makes me anxious and uneasy. As I said I’m not too keen on the idea. This being the case, sometimes the goal of returning to live with God doesn’t work as motivation ‘cuz I’m not looking forward for that time anyway. I mean better with Him than not, but…I find it hard at times to work toward something I’m not looking forward to. The real meat of the conversation was when I asked what the point in trying was if I was just going to fail again. It may not sound like much to you, but what my friend said next really struck me. My friend said that trying was the point. At the very least I would be a step or two above where I was which would definitely count for something. Also there’s a definite difference in desire when you at least try to do something as opposed to doing nothing at all. In addition, there are some goals that we’ll never reach and there are some expectations that we will never meet. The point however is to make the effort. As I was writing that I was reminded of a story I heard while in the Missionary Training Center in Brazil.

The story goes that there was a man who was hired by another to do some yard work. The employee went about the various tasks that he’d been assigned and at the end of the day returned to the employer to receive his compensation for the work done. The employer congratulated the man on a job well done and told him to return the following day. As the sun rose the man returned to receive his new instructions. The man for whom he worked asked him if he could see a large boulder that was a little to one side of a garden. The worker replied that he could his employer told him that all that needed to be done that day was to push that stone. At the end of the day the first man returned exhausted and frustrated at his inability to move the stone even an inch. He apologized to his employer and said that it would probably be best to find someone else to finish the work. The employer asked why the man felt this way and he replied that he felt that he’d wasted his employer’s time. He told of how he pushed and pushed but was unable to move the rock at all. The employer smiled and said to the man, “I never said to move the stone, I merely told you to push it.”

As I said before, when my friend told me that trying was the point I was touched. Touched such that I decided to go back to church. With that I had some new (smaller) problems to deal with. Those being some “pet peeves’ about church. There’s no need to go into detail there, but again my friend knew just what to say. I was told to ignore the other people and just be there. Be there to learn and feel the Spirit. My friend said that all the other people didn’t matter that much, because my presence there was really between myself and the Lord.

So to wrap all that up, as of two days ago, I’m going back to church. I’m not going to my own ward yet because I need the support of people I know, so I’m going with the three wonderful young ladies that I mentioned in my first blog entry. I have my friend who stayed with me to thank for inspiring me to do what I should and for giving me back much of the hope in myself that I had lost. I also have my three friends to thank for inviting me to church three weeks ago and creating an atmosphere where I could feel comfortable going back to church. It’s kind of interesting to be posting this so soon after my entry on inactivity ^_^

That ends this entry really. I’m amazed at how much I’ve learned about myself since the 19th. I almost want to say that I’ve grown a little, but I don’t really know if I have. Is that something we can really judge about ourselves or does someone have to tell us that we have?